life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
