trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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