Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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