Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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