Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
