I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
