just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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