Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
