This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
