Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I forget how to act sober
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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