Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
