Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
