She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
