absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
