I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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