he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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