Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
