Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
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Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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