"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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