There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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