I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
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I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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