I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
