My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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