so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat