Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.