Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.