I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.