Don't you send me to vm
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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