I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
