I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tell her she can't have a vagina
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick