someone threw a dead crab at me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
