Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
