This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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