i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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