we have pet lesbian snakes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
