omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
