The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
