he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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