there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
