Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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