i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.