i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it's like heaven, but drunker
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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