this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
