my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize