i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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