hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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