Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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