I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
