Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.