i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.