She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.