1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad