What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.