Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
