EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
